Nightmare.

Saturday night we had an amazing cultural show... over 150+ came out to support us on a Memorial weekend! The show was flawless and we were so proud. Full of laughter and just fun! 

However, the next morning, I get a call at 7am. Who could this be? I remember being sort of angry that someone would call me this early when they knew we just had a long 3 months of non-stop practice! Unfortunately, it was call that no one expects and no one ever wants... "Sheng and Xai were in a horrible accident, and they are in the hospital." I don't think I've ever woken up so fast in my life, I was alert and headed out without a care about anything else in the world.  My exhaustion was all the sudden gone and it was replaced with concern and worry.  In the 10 minute car ride to the hospital I was thinking the worse... both of them were hurt and possibly had broken limbs.  As I walk through the door, I went up the receptionist "Sheng Yang's room please?" "Room 441" She's in ICU. As I turn around to tell my roommate, "we will go visit Sheng first then we will go visit Xai after."  Another member of my group who was sitting in the waiting room overhears me say this and comes up to me... "You didn't hear?". I didn't hear what!? - I thought "Xai did not make it, he died at the scene." --- Those words will haunt me forever and ever.  I fell down to my knees and wept. I could feel this pain in my heart,... I was for sure... that I thought the worse about this situation...injuries only... death had NEVER once crossed my mind.  No!!!!--- I was thinking, this cannot be true. I just saw him a couple hours ago, he was making fun of me because he said I was too skinny and needed to eat something.  & now, he's gone? No, this is just a nightmare. 

I finally gained the courage to face Sheng. She looked so fragile and lost in her room.  However, being the Sheng I knew... she still cracked a smile when we were in the room visiting her.  Her words to me were "Do I still look pretty?" "I have a broken arm." Yes, my beautiful Sheng, you look beautiful.  It took all my strength not break down crying.  I felt so horrible that something to horrific happened to her and Xai (her boyfriend).

I just realize, life is so precious. Remember to always be careful... and really appreciate and love each and every single day you have because you just never know. Life. oh. Life.

RIP Xai Lor. I will miss you so much. You were such an amazing individual... an inspiration to us all. I will miss your laughter and your meanie comments to us.  Thank you for blessing us with your presence in the short time you were here on earth.  I will cherish these past 2 years with you. We will see you soon.

Today was not our last...

Why is that when you're least expecting it... something amazing happens.... however for me, timing is not right... and I knew it would not last.  

Well, I met an incredible, amazing individual this past month... and we've been hanging out non-stop for the last two weeks.  I do not think I've been hit this hard... ever.  Hours fly by like seconds and we do nothing but enjoy each other's company.  There is nothing better than being with someone that you just feel totally and completely comfortable with. I love that we can just be silent and not just talk for the sake of talking. I feel like I don't have to be at my best at all times... I can just be true to who I am. -- However, he makes me want to be the very best I can be. 

Unfortunately, he's leaving in July till October for an internship near SF. & I plan on moving to LA in October. (which is an hour+ away from where we live now) I know that long-distance is not an impossible thing... but since we JUST started dating... we both knew we did not want to put ourselves in this pressure-ridden situation.  I wish we could just be together and live it one day at a time... but both of us just know... we must part ways before it gets more complicated.  

I am a woman full of words, opinions,... but today, I'm just at lost for words. How do you let go of something that just feels right? -- it was extremely painful... but I do believe in fate... and it is cliche to think this...but I do... if it's meant to be, then it will be.  We'll see in a few months where my head is and where his heart is... for now, it's time again to really focus on myself and my goals. 

L.O.V.E.

I believe that when I am at my best (when it comes to helping others) is when I am "in between loves". 

Right now I am "in between loves"... and my day life is amazing! I wake up at 6:30am everyday, i workout, then I eat breakfast, I go to work at 8am.... go to school at 10am for my dance class, then my French class... then I head back to work from 12pm until 5pm. (that is my LONG day at school) After 5 I head back to school, I practice with my club at school for 2 dances and a play.  We stay until 11pm.... or until we "get it". If I don't wake up at 6:30 to workout, its because I wake up early to volunteer at Habitat for Humanity. I leave my house at 7:30 and never get home before 9pm (if I am lucky)... it is usually around 11pm when I return home. I've never been happier.  It's true... when your life is full... you forget about the little things.  

However, tonight, I'm home. I was home at 9:34pm.  I had my dinner... I am finished reading my daily food blogs.  It's not 10:16pm and I feel alone.  Maybe it's because for the last 3-4 years I've had a boyfriend ... and I was so use to just having someone to confide in... to tell my annoyances to... or be asked "How was your day?" 

I feel ashamed for needing someone. I just don't understand myself at this point. 

I have been dating... I think maybe I've been dating "too much". I have a date every weekend night... but I still feel like something is missing... maybe, I just need to be alone. Totally alone. Well, with friends. 

Because every person that I go on a date with... is amazing. They are accomplished, great personality, lots of ambition and drive.... charming, lovable... and shows great interest... but I am not happy.